On Weddings (not mine!)

For those who don't know me personally, I have a girlfriend who is completely obsessed with weddings. If you had ever met her, you would know. You would know within about 30 seconds of starting a conversation with her.

She is more than obsessed, she is borderline psychopathic about weddings.

She has planned out every last minute element of her own wedding (to which I hope I am not invited) down to the colours, the dress, all that other crap that goes along with it etc. etc.

She has been to wedding shows for no other reason that she wanted to have a look, and I have lost count of the number of times I have walked into the living room and caught her watching wedding TV. She ashamedly tries to flick the channel over - but I know! Wedding TV for gods sake! What on earth can they play on wedding TV that stretches our for 24 whole hours 365 days of the year? I can't watch it long enough to find out (it burns my eyes).

Over the Christmas just gone, we came home from Morocco to the news that both her sister and brother have officially announced their engagement (not to each other I hasten to add - that would be wrong). This sent Lucy into kind of a spiralling wedding frenzy.

The day after boxing day I ended up trawling around wedding venues in the midlands. Country house, hotel, conference centre, country house etc etc. After about 72 straight hours of Lucy saying: 'I want our wedding to be like this', 'I would have these colours at my wedding', 'I would like flowers of this type when we get married', I started to go out of my mind and actually start thinking that we were getting married. Like we were engaged and I was having small heart attacks about hearing the kinds of costs involved.

In fact. Thinking about it, she speaks like we are engaged all of the time now!

My friends in Australia used to laugh their asses off when Lucy would describe how our wedding would be - despite the fact that we are not engaged - despite the fact I want a wedding about as much as I want a poke in the eye with a rusty pair of garden shears - despite the fact that every time she talks about it or stops at a jewellers or looks in a wedding dress shop window, I just walk off.

I was beginning to get to the point where I was thinking that I should probably have an affair or something so that she would change her ideas and consider me as 'not quite marriage material'. Yes. that would be nice. That would be peaceful.

Anyway, it turns out that Lucys sister is planning a wedding very similar to the one that she has always wanted. This has resulted in a complete change of attitude for Lucy to something like:

'I am not that bothered if I get married anymore'.

Result.